Bring a shovel, Sepp

31/08/2015
Written by John

If Sepp Blatter ends up doing community service (the least he deserves), we’ve got a job for him at ‘our’ football team, Wymondley Park Under-11s (very soon to be Under-12s) – removing the dog poo from the pitch before kick-off. We don’t have a shovel, and the job often falls to me. I don’t bother with breakfast on a matchday morning. But I’m sure FIFA could run to quite a high-class shovel (Sepp, just get a receipt).

He could also help with marking out the pitch, though I suspect our manager, Andy, secretly rather enjoys that job, and Sepp probably wouldn’t know how to do it anyway. Andy uses string to help him to get the lines straight (though apparently computers are all the thing these days). I think I would be a string sort of person, too.

Our boys finished in a respectable mid-table position in the Royston Crow 4th Division last year (and there is a 5th and 6th Division, so not as bad as it sounds), recovering from a first-day 17-1 defeat, according to the referee, which was really 19-1 (in addition to the dog poo it’s my job to count the goals – something to do with being a proofreader, I’m told). But the boys stuck to the task, and ended up winning more than they lost in the latter part of the season – and nobody ever gave up, even on the ‘17-1’ days (and there were a couple of those). In fact, our main problem was bringing the season to a close, as they didn’t want to stop training. And they’ve all signed on for the coming season.

Initial discussions have taken place about whether Accuracy Matters might be the shirt sponsor again for next season. Initial and, in all honesty, slightly incomplete, as they took place at our awards ceremony after a few beers. The parties involved will reconvene to reconstruct what exactly they agreed, if indeed they agreed anything. We’ll try to avoid a bidding war.